I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
