I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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