He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
