so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
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