I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
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