think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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