I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
