These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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