I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
