we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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