You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
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