Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
