I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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