I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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