dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
sex in a hospital.. check
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
