there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
