i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
