I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
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