Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
