The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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