I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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