if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
