Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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