New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
