Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Randomize
