Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
