All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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