you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
