I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
