I puked a lego.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Randomize
