you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
