If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
