When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
