A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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