that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
