We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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