i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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