She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
