the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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