to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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