I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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