They should really pass out barf bags in church
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
