dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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