idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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