I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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