A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
