I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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