It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
You smell like stripper and shame
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
