We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
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ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
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when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
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