Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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