o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
