none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
