some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
