Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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