I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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